AST 0 SUN 0 Poyet keeps coat on in incredible display of restraint. Lambert doesn’t even wear one.
CAR 0 ARS 0: Ramsey returns to make fantasy managers smug and delay wannabe supervillain Vincent Tan’s plans for world domination for at least a few days.
EVE 4 STO 0: The SmartPrice Liverpool come good. Even Jelavic (nearly) scored.
NOR 1 PAL 0: Norwich players score great goal after momentarily forgetting they play for Norwich. Pulis still wears baseball cap.
WHM 2 FUL 0: A team with a striker beats a team who really haven’t been the same since they removed the statue of a well known paedophile.
NEW 2 WBA 1: Two of Newcastle’s French legion score. Legion is what French people call an army. Newcastle have a lot of French players.
TOT 2 MNU 2: AVB still just about in despite the best efforts of Rooney who is to hair transplants what Solando is to being a striker.
HUL 3 LIV 1: The singers of City till I die remain alive despite Allam’s request. Ungrateful bastards.
CHE 3 SOU 1: Jose coolly shits a brick and then is forced to sit in it for 89 minutes as his team of step-kid fancy dans turn it around.
MCY 3 SWA 0: City win at home in huge upset of the natural order of things. What must the Welsh Arsenal be feeling?